Mini UNAUTHORIZED User Manual
UNAUTHORIZED
OWNER’S MANUAL
UNAUTHORIZED
OWNER’S MANUAL
This manual is not intended to help you understand the operation
and maintenance of your motor vehicle. Rather, it is meant to
provide you with invaluable information that would, under normal
driving conditions, take most car owners months to discover for
themselves. Information that has been painstakingly gleaned from
many hours of vehicle operation.
CONTENTS
The Basics
The Boot, the Bonnet &
Commander Cooper 4
Detailing 4
Assigned Cabin Seating 4-5
Best Places to Stash Stuff
in your MINI
Coin Caddy 8
Toll Ticket Cranny 8
Glove/Ice Box
Cooling/Heating Feature 8-9
Strategic Golf Club
Placement 9
How to Fit a Bike 9
Secret Jogging Key Nook 10
Additional Storage Info 10
Customizing your MINI
Motoring Accessories 12
Making Your Own Dashboard
Figurines 13
Air Fresheners 14
Cockpit Toggle Switch
Conversation Starters 15
Proper Use of Bumper
Stickers 15-16
Making Room for Romance
in your MINI
Public Displays of Affection
(P.D.A.) 18
The Backseat:
An Introduction 18
Making Out in Your MINI 18
Unisex Chivalry 18
Tips for Shameless Flirting
at Red Lights 18
Dating Tips for Married People 19
Unconventional Use of Headlamps
to Attract Attention 20
Making Beautiful Music
with your MINI
Strumming on the Steering
Wheel 22
Ta pping on the Roof 22
Playing the Tubular Door Bezel 22
Activating the Turn Signals 22
Switching on the
Windshield Wipers 22
Accelerator Wah-Wah Pedal 22-23
Essentials of Good Motoring Mojo
Jump Starts 26
Acknowledging Fellow
Motorers 26-27
Sharing Your MINI 28
Troubleshooting
Rotating Your Shorts
in Public 30
Four Things You Should Never
do to Your MINI 31
Additional Reading 32
THE BASICS
BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI
CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI
MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI
ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO
TROUBLESHOOTING
TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BASICS
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3
THE BASICS
THE BASICS
The Boot, the Bonnet
& Commander Cooper
With a British car comes some rather
foreign English terminology. The following
are a few terms you can now use to
impress your "mates": The "boot" is the
bit around the back. It’s where you stick
the cricket bats and the take-away fishn-chips. The "bonnet" is that brilliant
piece of sculpted sheet metal symmetry
covering the Cooper (S) bits. That’s
"Commander John Cooper" to you
cheeky Yank blokes— British Racing
Royalty’s Monarch of Modified
Transverse-Mounted Engines, Earl of
Acceleration, Duke of Hairpin Turns,
Fig. 1 MINI Inkblot Test – Seeing bug splatters is
a healthy sign you’re discovering your MINI’s
true personality.
4
Count of Countless Checkered Flags.
Translation, mates: this MINI’s a real
go-er. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. Say
no more. Good show. Cheers.
Detailing
How to remove greasy prints, onlooker
drool spatters and road grime to restore
your MINI’s lustrous factory finish:
Step 1. Maintain proper perspective.
MINI owners do not irrationally obsess
about such things. Bug guts on the grille
and muddy fenders are signs of a healthy,
Fig. 2 Your MINI turns a car wash into a foam party! [Refer to Making Room for Romance Section]
well-motored life. Imagine it’s like tooling
around town in a Jackson Pollock original.
But every now and then, you may want
to start over with a clean canvas.
Step 2. Always use a soft sponge and mild
biodegradable soap. Land and sea creatures
are our friends.
Assigned Cabin Seating
Technically speaking, everyone motors in
a MINI. The conventional nomenclature
of "driver" and "passenger" no longer
applies because it segregates, implying
one is active while another is passive.
In a MINI, all are actively engaged in
the enjoyment of motoring. However,
there are a few specific responsibilities
by seat assignment:
1. Pilot/Motorer (a.k.a. El Capitan,
Skipper, Mac Daddy). In charge of
mechanical functions and direct
operation of the motor vehicle. Period.
2. Navigator (a.k.a. Co-Pilot, First Mate,
Little Buddy). Responsible for: 1) Navigation. 2) Operation of MINI Magical
Motoring Ball (See fig. 12). 3) Fast food
drive-thru item checklist and Beverage
Stabilization (BevStab). (See Fig. 3). 4)
Interior hood release. 5) Also in charge of
stowing maps, souvenir snow globes,
and scouting for photo op. locations.
3. Passengers (a.k.a. Crew, Backseat
Drivers). In a MINI, suggestions from the
peanut gallery are encouraged. Motoring
is a democratic act. Tyrannical control
may lead to mutiny on the highway.
4. Cabin Attendants (a.k.a. Passengers).
Responsible for in-flight meal and beverage
©2002 The Pollock-Krasner Foundation / Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York
service. And implementing emergency
comedic procedures in event of sudden
loss of cabin levity.
Fig. 3 Beverage Stabilization in Action.
Notice how the passenger tilts the cup
precisely seven degrees (above) compensating for the centrifugal forces acting
upon the beverage as a result of your
MINI’s tight cornering performance (left).
TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BASICS
5
THE BASICS
THE BASICS
BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI
MINIUSA.COM
Fig. 4 Instead of calling "shotgun", call "slingshot". It’s a David and Goliath thing. Your MINI may be small, but it packs a punch.
6
CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI
MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI
ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO
TROUBLESHOOTING
TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BAS ICS
7
BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI
First things first. This book fits snugly
inside the case provided for your factoryauthorized owner’s manual, and is
designed to be stowed away in the glove
box. Or conveniently left about on the
coffee table.
1. Coin Caddy
Technically engineered as the beverage
holder. Reinvented by resourceful you
as the handy loose change receptacle.
CAUTION: When parking in low-lit
urban areas, cover all exposed coinage
with cup.
2. Toll Ticket Cranny
Your MINI’s dashboard console features
four vertical slits (two within driver’s
reach, two for co-pilot assistance) for
securing toll receipts and parking stubs.
3. The Glove Box
Re-engineered by MINI designers.
Because no one really keeps gloves in
there anymore. Use it as a CD box. A
toolbox. Or turn up the air conditioning,
and it’s a refrigerated icebox.
4. Door Cubby
Accommodates:
1 cell phone, PDA, or Travel Etch-a-Sketch,
•
depending on priorities.
3 pair sunglasses (optimists).
•
1 collapsible umbrella (pessimists).
•
Cooling/Heating Feature
Turns your MINI’s glove box into a mini
refrigerator for chilling contents to 50˚
Fahrenheit. For emergency roadside
candy bars and spare hero sandwiches.
Your MINI goes great with mayo. Or
activate the heater to warm contents
from soup to nuts. (See Fig. 6)
BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI
Fig. 6 Cooling/Heating Glove Box
Strategic golf club placement
With both rear seats folded down, your
MINI can accommodate four golf bags
comfortably. Unfortunately, this leaves
no room to accommodate a foursome.
Recommended: with one rear seat folded
down, fit one to two bags lying angled
diagonally, and one to two golf buddies
seated vertically.
How to fit a bike:
1. Adjust passenger’s side seat to furthest
forward non-reclining position.
2. Remove front wheel. Of BICYCLE!
3. Lay the bike on the side opposite the
rear derailleur rotating the handlebars
counterclockwise until they are
parallel with the cargo area floor.
4. Place front wheel in cargo area and
close hatch.
Fig. 7 Use floor space as parking citation crumple zone.
TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BAS ICS
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