Mini car Owner's Manual

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This manual is not intended to help you understand the operation and maintenance of your motor vehicle. Rather, it is meant to provide you with invaluable information that would, under normal driving conditions, take most car owners months to discover for themselves. Information that has been painstakingly gleaned from many hours of vehicle operation.

UNAUTHORIZED

OWNER’S MANUAL

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TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BASICS

Proper Use of Bumper

Stickers 15-16

Making Room for Romance

in your MINI

Public Displays of Affection

(P.D.A.) 18

The Backseat:

An Introduction 18 Making Out in Your MINI 18 Unisex Chivalry 18 Tips for Shameless Flirting

at Red Lights 18 Dating Tips for Married People 19 Unconventional Use of Headlamps

to Attract Attention 20

Making Beautiful Music

with your MINI

Strumming on the Steering

Wheel 22 Tapping on the Roof 22 Playing the Tubular Door Bezel 22 Activating the Turn Signals 22 Switching on the

Windshield Wipers 22

Accelerator Wah-Wah Pedal 22-23

Essentials of Good Motoring Mojo

Jump Starts 26 Acknowledging Fellow

Motorers 26-27

Sharing Your MINI 28

Troubleshooting

Rotating Your Shorts

in Public 30

Four Things You Should Never

do to Your MINI 31

Additional Reading 32

THE BASICS

BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI

CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI

MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI

MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI

ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO

TROUBLESHOOTING

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THE BASICS

one is active while another is passive. In a MINI, all are actively engaged in the enjoyment of motoring. However, there are a few specific responsibilities by seat assignment:

1. Pilot/Motorer (a.k.a. El Capitan, Skipper, Mac Daddy). In charge of mechanical functions and direct operation of the motor vehicle. Period.

2. Navigator (a.k.a. Co-Pilot, FirstMate, Little Buddy). Responsible for: 1) Navigation. 2) Operation of MINI Magical Motoring Ball (See fig. 12). 3) Fast food drive-thru item checklist and Beverage Stabilization (BevStab). (See Fig. 3). 4) Interior hood release. 5) Also in charge of stowing maps, souvenir snow globes, and scouting for photo op. locations.

3. Passengers (a.k.a. Crew, Backseat Drivers). In a MINI, suggestions from the peanut gallery are encouraged. Motoring is a democratic act. Tyrannical control may lead to mutiny on the highway.

4. Cabin Attendants (a.k.a. Passengers). Responsible for in-flightmeal and beverage service. And implementing emergency comedic procedures in event of sudden loss of cabin levity.

Fig. 2 Your MINI turns a car wash into a foam party! [Refer to Making Room for Romance Section]

Fig. 3 Beverage Stabilization in Action.

Notice how the passenger tilts the cup precisely seven degrees (above) compensating for the centrifugal forces acting upon the beverage as a resultof your MINI’s tight cornering performance (left).

Count of Countless Checkered Flags. Translation, mates: this MINI’s a real go-er. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. Say no more. Good show. Cheers.

Detailing

How to remove greasy prints, onlooker drool spatters and road grime to restore your MINI’s lustrous factory finish:

Step 1. Maintain proper perspective. MINI owners do not irrationally obsess about such things. Bug guts on the grille and muddy fenders are signs of a healthy,

well-motored life. Imagine it’s like tooling around town in a Jackson Pollock original. But every now and then, you may want to start over with a clean canvas.

Step 2. Always use a soft sponge and mild biodegradable soap. Land and sea creatures are our friends.

Assigned Cabin Seating

Technically speaking, everyone motors in a MINI. The conventional nomenclature of "driver" and "passenger" no longer applies because it segregates, implying

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MINIUSA.COM

THE BASICS

BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI

CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI

MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI

MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI

ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO

TROUBLESHOOTING

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4. Door Cubby

Accommodates:

•

1 cell phone, PDA, or Travel Etch-a-Sketch, depending on priorities.

•

3 pair sunglasses (optimists).

•

1 collapsible umbrella (pessimists).

Cooling/Heating Feature

Turns your MINI’s glove box into a mini refrigerator for chilling contents to 50˚ Fahrenheit. For emergency roadside candy bars and spare hero sandwiches. Your MINI goes great with mayo. Or activate the heater to warm contents from soup to nuts. (See Fig. 6)

Strategic golf club placement

With both rear seats folded down, your MINI can accommodate four golf bags comfortably. Unfortunately, this leaves no room to accommodate a foursome. Recommended: with one rear seat folded down, fit one to two bags lying angled diagonally, and one to two golf buddies seated vertically.

How to fit a bike:

1. Adjust passenger’s side seat to furthest

forward non-reclining position.

2. Remove front wheel. Of BICYCLE!

3. Lay the bike on the side opposite the

rear derailleur rotating the handlebars counterclockwise until they are parallel with the cargo area floor.

4. Place front wheel in cargo area and

close hatch.

BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI

Fig. 7 Use floor space as parking citation crumple zone.

Fig. 6 Cooling/Heating Glove Box

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Fig. 8 & 9 The jogging key nook.

THE BASICS

BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI

CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI

MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI

MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI

ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO

TROUBLESHOOTING

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Assembly:

1. Cut out body pattern.

2. Fold together at feet. Connect A and B.

3. Add the iconic head of your choice from your

favorite magazines, tabloids and books.

4. Secure to dash.

5. Motor. Ohmmmm.

Fig. 11 Making Your Own Dashboard Figurines:

The Icons of Good Motoring Mojo

CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI

TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BASICS

Fig. 10 The G-Force Chia Pet®: Tilt Chia Pet face down and grow as directed. Then display on dashboard facing

forward for realistic pulling-Gs windblown effect.

Chia Pet®is a registered trademark of Joseph Enterprises, Inc. and is used by permission

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Cockpit Toggle Switch Conversation Starters

Refer to your factory-authorized MINI owner’s manual to familiarize yourself with the layout of all dashboard instrumentation. Then refer to the pre-printed labels (included with this manual) for your own personalized customization.

Proper Use of Bumper Stickers Recommended:

1. Motorer-related stickers function like

post cards to strangers from a life welllived: "This car climbed Mt. Washington", "I got my kicks on Route 66", "Bat out of Carlsbad Cavern". (Fig. 13)

2. Law School Alumni window decals will make others think twice about messing with you in a Constitutionallyinappropriate manner. (Fig. 14)

CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI

Fig. 13

Fig. 14 What it says: You’re a magna cum law-abider.

Fig. 12 MINI Magical Motoring Ball. The perfect complement to optional on-board

GPS navigation. "Should I supersize my onion rings?" "Signs point to yes."

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THE BASICS

BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI

CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI

MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI

MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI

ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO

TROUBLESHOOTING

Fig. 15 Fill in the blank, go directly to jail.

Below, the top three bumper sticker faux pas:

Fig. 16 An all-time classic bad idea.

Fig. 17 Your friends will laugh. ‘Til it’s time to pay the bail.

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Public Displays of Affection (P.D.A.)

Highly encouraged. You and your designated significant other take your MINI out for a wash and buff on a bright sunny Sunday for the whole world to see. “Yo, people, geta garage!”

The Backseat: An Introduction

Your MINI’s spacious backseat and rear cargo area means there’s plenty of room to comfortably accommodate everything you need to rev up the romance in any relationship – from long-stem roses and heart-shaped helium balloons by the dozen – to a 36” large-screen TV with both rear seats folded down. (Degree of romance may vary with relationship mileage.)

Making out in your MINI

The backseat. The front seat. Be spontaneous. Refer to factoryauthorized owner’s manual for window defogger operations.

Unisex chivalry

Who cares if men and women are from different planets? Come down to Earth and open the dang door. It’s the polite human thing to do.

Tip for shameless flirting at red lights

Substituting the words "olive juice" for "I love you" when lip-synching your affections through the window achieves the desired effect, and could potentially save you from messy verbally-binding legal entanglements down the road.

Dating tips for married people

Your MINI can be a great source of escape from the ruts of everyday life.

1. Make a hot date. With your spouse.

Act like complete strangers.

2. Remove child seats (if applicable)

and 9-to-5 baggage.

3. Motor around block and pick her up

at "her place". (Or pick him up at "his place" – owner gender and romantic orientation may vary.)

4. Catch dinner and a movie. Or motor

to the nearest scenic overlook and catch a sunset.

MINI Prenuptial Agreement:

Substituting birdseed for ceremonial rice on wedding day may invite unwanted aerial bombardment of your MINI’s lustrous factory finish. Butit ’s the right thing to do.

Fig. 19 0-60 in 8.5 seconds flat. Leave the in-laws, the ex-boyfriends and the caterer at the altar, and elope in your MINI.

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THE BASICS

BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI

CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI

MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI

MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI

ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO

TROUBLESHOOTING

Fig. 21

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1. Strumming on the steering wheel

establishes the composition’s rhythm, but should not be performed while engaging in turns.

NOTE: Your MINI’s horn is not a musical

plaything, and should be sounded only when absolutely necessary in traffic situations, i.e. greeting fellow MINI owners.

2. Tapping on the roof adds additional

percussion, though care should be taken that any rings on fingers do not scratch your MINI’s distinctive black or white roof factory finish.

3. Playing the tubular door bezel:

Syncopated banging upon the silver door tube adds bass. Adjust levels with a thump to the armrest. The door bezel is your conga.

4. Activating the turn signals provides

a distinctive percussive cadence when motoring around turns.

5. Switching on the windshield wipers

adds a rhythmic whoosh, whoosh, whoosh to the mix.

6. Accelerator/Wah-Wah Pedal. (Fig. 23)

4 4

o o

MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI

Fig. 23 1.6 liter 16V 115 Hp Cooper engine turns your MINI’s accelerator into a wah-wah pedal at red lights. (163 Hp supercharged wah-wah pedal on S models.)

Fig. 24 The motorer’s horn section: Your MINI adds accompaniment in the key of D.

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THE BASICS

BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI

CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI

MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI

MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI

ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO

TROUBLESHOOTING

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Jump Starts

Opting NOT to exchange electrical charges with total strangers is up to the individual motorer’s discretion. HOWEVER, random acts of kindness do continue the flow of positive energy. Which adds up to good motor mojo for you.

Acknowledging Fellow Motorers

Dating back to MINI’s birth in the UK, there exists a time-honored tradition of owners greeting each other when they pass on the streets. The moment you first sat in your MINI, you became a member of the family. So, as is customary, try and refrain from acts of shyness, aloofness or woeful complacency. When you pass another MINI, say, "Hey".

ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO

Index Finger Salute

Subtle. Sublime. "’Sup!"

Peace Sign

Though flower-powered Minis never lined the interstates leading to Woodstock, N.Y., Minis did enjoy a rather colorful bohemian past shuttling shaggy-haired hipsters from Liverpool to Amsterdam in the 60s. Then, as now, love is all you need. That and petrol.

Thumbs Up

Appropriate when paying homage to Classic Mini owners.

Motorer’s Oath of Honor

REPEAT: “On my honor, I do solemnly pledge to be trustworthy, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful and brave.”

The Wave

Customarily, Mini-owning members of Britain’s Royal Family always presented the back of the hand, raised in a slow tight circular motion when greeting subjects. You, living in a democracy, may choosesomething a little less upper-crusty when acknowledging throngs of well-wishers along your parade route.

Tap-on-the-Roof

"Top of the Day". The motoring equivalent to politely tipping your hat.

Winking the Lights

The motoring equivalent to batting your eyes.

'Sup!

High Beams 1

High Beams 2

Peace

Commoner Wave 1 Commoner Wave 2

Royal Wave 1 Royal Wave 2

Roof Tap 1 Roof Tap 2

Thumbs Up Motorer's Honor

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THE BASICS

BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI

CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI

MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI

MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI

ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO

TROUBLESHOOTING

ANSWERS: 1. Issigonis—MINI Patriarch 2. Y 3. ‘65 & ’67, but disqualified in ’66 over a minor technicality. 4. E) Peter Sellers 5. C) Lovely 6. D) EKG 7. Your discretion.

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Fig. 28 Use discretion. And keep the catcalls, woos and whistles for your MINI.

FOUR THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER DO TO YOUR MINI

1. Never leave your MINI unattended and unlocked with the

engine running and a giant sign on top reading, "Back in ten—feel free to move car if in way."

2. Absolutely no Viking helmets. Not the football team, the

ancient Nordic conquerors. No matter how much the explorer spirit of motoring gets in your blood, resist the urge. Pointy Viking horns may cause damage to plush vehicle interior.

3. Never drive through flowing water. That’s called motor BOATING.

4. Never call your MINI by another car’s name.

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...MINI

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