Excalibur
Electronics
Jackie’s Talking
Comedy Calculator
Operating Manual
www.ExcaliburElectronics.com
Model No. JK01
o n gratulations on your purchase of Excalibu r
Electronics’ Jackie’s Talking Comedy Calculator. You
C
can use it as a calculator, a clock, an alarm clock, a joke
machine, a pretend friend, or a doorstop. You’ll have hours of fun
playing with it, especially if you take it out of the box first.
Your Jackie’s Talking Comedy Calculator is easy to use, but be
sure to use it safely. It may be hard to believe, but there are people who could actually hurt themselves with a gadget like this.
Hey ... are you one of them?
Before starting, please read this manual thoroughly, especially
noting safety, care and battery information (there may be a pop
quiz on Monday). And then keep this manual for reference ... do
not sell it on eBay ... especially if you jot down your favorite
recipes or unimportant relatives’ phone numbers in the margins.
And remember, there are lots of other great joke gadgets available
at www.ExcaliburElectronics.com.
The legendary King A rthur brandished a
magic swo rd , E x c a l i bu r, f rom which we
t a ke our company name . With this unique
weapon in his hands,he could not be vanquished.
Although Excalibur Electronics can’t
claim the magical secrets of Merl i n , K i n g
A rt h u r ’s court wizard , sometimes our
pa tented technolog y may make it seem as
if we cou ld. Jackie’s Talking Comedy Calculator is another unma tched innovati on of
E x c a l i bur Electro n i c s .
We make you think.
Installing the Batteries
Your Jackie’s Talking Comedy
Calculator requires three A A A
batteries. They are included.
To replace the batteries, turn
J a c k i e ’s Talking Comedy
Calculator over so that the unit is
fa c e - d own on a soft surfa c e .
Please be gentle ... you don’t want
it to get a boo-boo. Find the battery compartment on the back of
the unit. I know you can do it. Use
a small Phillips screwdriver to
remove the screw. (Who was this
guy “Phillips,” any way? W hy
doesn’t anybody get the credit for
the “regular” screwdriver? Or was
it a guy named “Regular”?) Lift
off the battery compartment lid.
Install the batteries, making sure
to match polarity (+ and -).
Place the tab of the battery compartment lid in its slot and close
the compartment door. Wo n d e r
out loud, “Did I put them in
right?” Replace the screw and
gently tighten it. Do your laundry.
Balance your checkbook. Eat
three balanced meals a day.
Jackie’s Talking Comedy Calculator may
lock up due to static discharge
or other electrical disturbances.
If this should happen, use a slim,
pointed object to press the button
marked “RESET” on the back of the unit.
3
Layout of Jackie’sTalking Comedy Calculator
TALKING/
COMEDY
SOUND
/OFF
ON
DATE
TIME
M-/TIME
SET
M+/DATE
SET
MR/ALARM
SET
ALARM
CLOCK
CE
AC
REPLAY
JOKE
RESET
(on back)
LCD
ALARM
/
TONE
JACKIE
SAVE JOKE
ENCORE
JOKE
UNIT/
DIGIT
MC/ENTER
WHAT?
4
Button and Switch Functions
CALCULATOR: The following but-
tons are used for calculator functions: 0-9, +, -, ?, ÷, ·, =, %, CE,
AC, M+ /DAT E S E T, M- /T I M E S E T,
M R/A L A R M S E T, M C/E N T E R a n d
U N I T/D I G I T. After seeing how
m a ny functions there are, yo u
may choose to revert to longhand.
In that case, please re-package
J a c k i e ’s Talking Comedy
Calculator and give it to your
brother-in-law for his birthday.
CLOCK/ALARM CLOCK: The fol-
lowing buttons are used for clock
and alarm clock functions: TIME,
DATE,ALARM CLOCK, M+/DATE SET,
M-/TIME SET, MR/ALARM SET and
MC/ENTER. The following button
cannot be used for any clock or
alarm clock function, and, in fact,
cannot be found on the unit:
Tuna Fish Sandwich.
JOKE (the button with the smil-
ing Jackie cartoon): Press to
play a joke. Want another one?
Press it again. Want anoth ... you
get it.
WHAT?: Press to play some ran-
dom silliness. Oh, we’re wacky.
REPLAY: Press to replay the last
sound. This can be repeated, and
then that can be repeated.
S O U N D: Slide this to turn the
sound “On” or “Off.” When sliding from “On” to “Off,” a highpitched “Beep, beep!” is heard,
and when sliding from “Off” to
“ O n ,” a sound of “Whoa!” is
heard. When you slide the switch
from “On” to “Off,” you hurt
Jackie’s feelings. If you slide the
switch from “Off” to “On,” and
then immediately slide it back
from “On” to “Off,” you should
consider finding more productive
ways of spending your time.
TA L K I N G/C O M E DY: When the
“TALKING/COMEDY” switch is set
to “Comedy,” after the unit (magi c a l ly) performs a calculator
function, and Jackie barks the
result, he also makes a short comment. The comments are for the
most part ridiculous, are meant to
amuse, and in no way reflect the
opinions of Excalibur Electronics
or any of the people who use their
building for shade on hot days in
Miami.
ALARM TONE/JACKIE:Slide this to
select the type of alarm sound.
When sliding from “Jackie” to
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“Tone,” a sound of “Beep, beep”
is heard, and when sliding from
“Tone” to “Jackie,” a sound of
“Alarm, alarm, alarm” is heard.
When sliding on your fa n ny
across a wet rubber mat in your
bathing suit, a sound of “Wheee!”
is heard.
SAVE JOKE: Press to save a joke
either while it’s being played or
after it’s played. The joke will be
touched that you like it enough to
keep it around.
ENCORE JOKE: Press to listen to a
saved joke. It may sound familiar.
Using Your Comedy Calculator
RESET: The RESET switch is locat-
ed on the back of the unit. (The
back of the unit is the opposite
side of the front of the unit.) If
J a c k i e ’s Talking Comedy
Calculator locks up or malfunctions, use a ballpoint pen to press
R E S E T. Also press R E S E T a f t e r
i n s e rting new batteries. A n d
please immediately replace the
batteries if you have just pulled
this unit out of a 2003 Ti m e
Capsule. If none of this works,
please use the same ballpoint pen
to do your calculations and write
your own jokes.
Setting the Clock Time
After the unit has been reset, the
display will show the time, starting at “12-00-00 AM.” If the
unit has not been reset, press the
TIME button, and the display will
show the current time. That is, if
it’s set correctly. Hey ... if it’s set
correctly, ignore this section and
go right to the “Gambling Tips”
section.
Press the M-/TIME SET button, and
if the sound is on, Jackie’s voice
will confirm your selection, that
you’re about to set the time. And
we all love reassurance. Don’t be
nervous, but now, yes, we’re ready
to set the time.
Pressing the T I M E button will
change “AM” to “PM,” and pressing it again will change it back to
“AM.” Obviously, you could do
this all day. (And then it really
would change from “AM” to
“PM”! Hah!)
The first digit of the time will be
flashing (“digit” is a fancy word
for “number”). You may (may I?
6
yes, you may ... ) change this digit
(remember?) by pressing any
number from 0 to 9. This will
change the flashing digit to the
number (see? they’re interchangeable, and also, you can use either
word instead of the other one) you
selected, and make the next digit
start flashing. I have no idea how
we got it to do that, but just enjoy.
Continue changing each digit
until you reach the last digit,
h o p e f u l ly entering the corr e c t
time as you plod through this
process.
Press MC/ENTER to confirm your
changes. (In our application,
you’ll note that “flashing” is not
an offensive term.) And always
remember ... even a stopped clock
is right twice a day.
Setting the Clock Date
After the unit has been reset, the
display will show the date starting
at 1-1-2003. If the unit has not
been reset, press the DATE button,
and the display will show the current date. That is, if it’s set correctly. Hey ... if it’s set correctly,
ignore this section and go right to
the “Shaving Your Pet Mammals”
section.
Press the M+ /DAT E S E T bu t t o n ,
and if the sound is on, Jackie’s
voice will confirm your selection
that you’re about to set the date.
And we all love to hear we’ve
done something right. Don’t get
scared, but now, yes, we’re ready
to set the date.
The first digit/number of the date
will be flashing. You may change
this number/digit by pressing any
number from 0 to 9. This will
change the flashing (!) digit to the
number you selected and make
the next digit start flashing (that
impresses me every time).
Continue changing each digit
until you reach the last digit. Press
M C/E N T E R to confi rm yo u r
changes if at the end you somehow have entered the correct date.
If you’re wondering where you
can find out what the date is so
you can set Jackie’s Ta l k i n g
Comedy Calculator, I guess it’s a
good thing you got yourself (or
somebody else got you) one of
these gadgets. From now on,
you’ll always know the date. That
is, if you ever find out what the
date is and set the thing.
Playing the Clock Time
Press the TIME button to see the
currently set time. If the sound is
7
on, Jackie’s voice will giggle
through a squeaky clean comment, and then spout the time.
Then you can say, “It’s time to get
funnier comments.” Jackie will
say the time differently depending
on the time of day (duh). That is,
if the time is exactly on the hour,
he will announce “one PM” for 1
PM (when it’s 12 PM “twelve
noon” will be heard, and when it’s
12 AM Jackie will say “twelve
midnight” ... oh, he’s good). If the
time is between 1 and 9 minutes
on the hour, he will announce
“one oh three PM” for 1:03 PM. If
the time is greater than 9 minutes
on the hour, he will announce
“one ten PM” for 1:10 PM. The
seconds on the time display will
not be announced, because by the
time you say them, it’s wrong
already.
Playing the Clock Date
Press the DATE button to get a date
with the person of your dreams.
Kidding. Press the DATE button to
see the currently set date. If the
sound is on, Jackie’s voice will
announce the date. Jackie will say
the date as “Wednesday, January
one, two thousand and three (or
two thousand three or twenty oh
three)” for 1-1-2003. On other
days, he’ll say something different, but the same way (!).
Setting the Alarm Clock Time
When the time or date is disp l ayed on the LCD, press
M R/A L A R M S E T to activate the
alarm. I know setting your alarm
clock is an unpleasant task, but
try to smile and think about stuff
you enjoy, about the good things
in your life.
The display will show the time,
starting at 12-00 AM. Pressing the
TIME button will change the time
to PM, while pressing it again will
change it back to AM. (Doo dah,
doo dah.)
The first digit of the time will be
flashing ... flashing ... flashing.
You may change this digit by
pressing any number from 0 to 9.
The choices, my friend, are all
yours. This will change the flashing digit to the number you selected and make the next digit start
flashing. Every doggone time.
Continue changing each digit
until you reach the last digit. Press
the ALARM CLOCK button to set
the alarm. The icon “A L A R M
ON” will display on the LCD.
Press the ALARM CLOCK button
again to turn off the alarm. (This
8
is a vital step if you want to sleep
through important appointments.)
IMPORTANT: You can only turn
the alarm on and off while in the
alarm clock set mode.
After setting the alarm, press
M C/E N T E R to confi rm yo u r
choices. IMPORTA N T: Vi s i t
w w w. E x c a l i bu r E l e c t r o n i c s . c o m
and get some more of our joke
gadgets. Pressing and holding the
ALARM CLOCK button after exit-
ing the alarm set mode will display the time the alarm is set for.
When the alarm goes off, the
alarm sound will be heard even if
the “Sound” switch is set to “Off. ”
When the A L A R M TO N E/JAC K I E
switch is set to “Tone” and the
a l a rm goes off, a high-pitched
“Beep, beep” is heard. When the
ALARM TONE/JACKIE switch is set
to “Jackie” and the alarm goes
off, 11 different sounds will be
randomly heard.
When the alarm goes off, pressing
any button or sliding any switch
or smashing the unit with the heel
of a shoe will turn off the alarm. If
the alarm is not turned off, after
five minutes (if the neighbors
haven’t broken in and shut it off
first), the unit will go into auto
power-off mode.
Calculator Functions
To use the calculator, enter the
entire first number, then the operator (÷, x, -, +) then the entire
second number, and finally the
“Equals” (=) sign to get the
answer. When the “Sound” is
“On,” Jackie will announce your
results diff e r e n t ly based on
whether you have selected the
“Digit” or “Unit” function.
For example, if you pressed the
UNIT button and “DIG” is dis-
played on the LCD, when you
divide 99 by 9 (enter “99,” then
press the “Divided By” [÷] key,
then enter “9,” and finally the
“Equals” sign [=] ), Jackie will
announce the answer “11” as
“One, one.”
When the UNIT button has been
pressed, and “UNIT” is displayed
on the LCD, then when you divide
99 by 9, Jackie will announce the
answer “11” as “Eleven.” Unless
our gizmo miscalculates.) If that
should occur, please call yo u r
favorite uncle and talk about the
highlights, if there were any, of
your childhood.)
The display can hold only 10 digits. If you enter more than 10 dig-
9
its, Jackie will announce yo u r
number, but it will not be displayed on the LCD and will not be
used in any calculation. Jackie’s
Talking Comedy Calculator will
wait patiently for you to stop
showing off and get back to work.
Memory Functions
The MEMORY PLUS (M+) button
adds the number currently disp l ayed to the curr e n t ly stored
number. If the memory is empty,
it places the displayed value in
memory and the memory indicator (M) will appear in the display.
The MEMORY MINUS (M-) button
subtracts the number curr e n t ly
d i s p l ayed from the number already stored. If the memory is
e m p t y, it places the displaye d
value as a negative number in
memory and the memory indicator (M) will appear in the display.
The MEMORY RECALL (MR) button
replaces the currently displayed
number with the value in memory.
The MEMORY CLEAR (MC) button
clears the memory and removes
the memory indicator (M) from
the display.
Clear Functions
The C L E A R E N T RY (C E) bu t t o n
deletes the curr e n t ly displaye d
value. It does not clear any previ-
ously entered values or functions.
The ALL CLEAR (AC) button clears
all values that have been previously entered.
Percent Function
The PERCENT (%) button is used
to get percentages of a number.
For example, if you want to find
out what 85 percent of 360 is,
press the ALL CLEAR (AC) button,
then enter 360, then MULTIPLY BY
(X), then 85 and then the PERCENT
(%) button. The answer will be
306.
Playing Jokes
Press the JOKE button and the
number of the joke will display on
the LCD for three seconds as
Jackie tells it to you. Each of the
72 gut-busting jokes will randomly play before a joke is repeated.
Pressing the REPLAY button will
replay the last joke. Eventually,
just saying the numbers will be
enough to evoke hysterical laughter. For a transcript of the jokes,
play them over and over as you
type them.
Saving Jokes
Press the SAVE JOKE button either
during or after a joke to save that
joke. Jackie will then say, “That’s
one (or “That’s two,” up to ten),”
10
and then tell a joke. The number
of the saved joke (1 through 10)
will display on the LCD.A maximum of 10 jokes can be saved.
(After that, you’ll have to engage
a body part we’ll hereafter refer to
as your brain.)
When you save the eleventh joke,
the first saved joke will be deleted
so the last joke may be added. If
you try to save a joke that’s
already been saved, Jackie will
tell you it’s not allowed (because
it’s already in there, you knucklehead) and short sheet your bed.
Replaying Saved Jokes
Press the ENCORE JOKE button to
replay the saved jokes. You’ll start
at the first saved joke and continue to the tenth joke, if you have
that kind of time. After the tenth
joke, you’ll start over with the
first joke. Eventually, you’ll get
back to whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing.
Deleting all of the Saved Jokes
Press the SAVE JOKE and ENCORE
JOKE
buttons at the same time for
three seconds to delete all the
saved jokes. Pressing the RESET
button will also delete all of the
saved jokes. When the sa ved jokes
are all deleted, it would be a good
idea to take pen in hand and jot
down your memoirs.
Setting the Volume
You may set the volume of the
unit only while a joke is being
played. Press the PLUS (+) button
to increase the volume and the
MINUS (-) button to decrease the
volume (bet you could’ve figured
that out, eh, mate?)
There are five loudness levels,
where one is the softest and five is
the loudest. Each level is displayed on the LCD as two dashes,
so Level One shows as “- - ,”
Level Two as “- - - - ,” on up to
Level Five as “- - - - - - - - - -.” So
... it follows that eight dashes is
Level Four.
Isn’t it funny that you may need
the calculator to figure out how
loud the calculator is?
The incredibly unique “What?”
Function
Pressing the WHAT? button will
p l ay one of Jackie’s 84 silly
sounds or sayings. None will
repeat until all are playe d, or
they’ll be sent to bed without dinner. While the sound is playing,
you may press any button to turn
it off, or simply run out of the
room. Pressing the REPLAY button
11
will repeat the last sound.
Auto Power Off
If no key is pressed for three minutes, the unit will display the current time. If no key is pressed for
a total of five minutes, the unit
will automatically turn off in
order to spare your batteries. It
will feel neglected, and perhaps
eventually file for a separation.
Press any button or slide any
switch to wake the unit up and
return to the time mode.
My Personal Guarantee
I promise I will enjoy spending
the money you blew on this thing.
Seriously, thanks a lot ...
Jackie Martling
Long Island, N.Y., 2003
If no button is pushed for five minutes,
your Calculator will turn off to save
your batteries. Just push any button
to wake the unit up.
Special Care & Handling
• Avoid rough handling such as bumping or dropping.
• Avoid moisture and extreme temperatures. For best results, use between the
temperatures of 39ºF and 100ºF (4º C and 38º C.)
• Clean using only a slightly damp cloth. Do not use cleaners with chemical
agents.
Battery Information
• Batteries should be installed or replaced only by an adult.
• The Comedy Calculator uses 3 AAA batteries, included.
• Do not mix alkaline, standard (carbon-zinc) or rechargeable (nickel-cadmi-
um) batteries.
• Do not mix old and new batteries.
• Do not use rechargeable batteries.
• Remove exhausted batteries from the unit.
• Do not short circuit battery terminals.
• Remove batteries and store them in a cool, dry place when not in use.
• To avoid explosion or leakage, do not dispose of batteries in a fire or attempt
to recharge alkaline or other non-rechargeable batteries.
Due to continuing improvements, actual
product may differ slightly from the
product described herein.
13
90-Day Limited Warranty
E X C A L I BUR ELECTRO N I C S ,
INC., warrants to the original consumer that its products are free from
any electrical or mechanical defects
for a period of 90 DAYS from the date
of purchase. If any such defect is discovered within the warranty period,
E X C A L I BUR ELECTRO N I C S ,
INC., will repair or replace the unit
free of charge upon receipt of the
unit, shipped postage prepaid and
insured to the factory address shown
at right.
The wa rranty covers normal consumer use and does not cover damage
that occurs in shipment or failure that
results from alterations, accident,
misuse, abuse, neglect, wear and tear,
inadequate maintenance, commercial
use, or unreasonable use of the unit.
Removal of the top panel voids all
warranties. This warranty does not
cover cost of repairs made or attempted outside of the factory.
Any applicable implied warranties,
including warranties of merchantability and fitness, are hereby limited to
90 DAYS from the date of purchase.
Consequential or incidental damages
resulting from a breach of any applicable express or implied warranties
are hereby excluded. Some states do
not allow limitations on the duration
of implied wa rranties and do not
allow exclusion of incidental or consequential damages, so the above limitations and exclusions in these
instances may not apply.
The only authorized service center in
the United States is:
Excalibur Electronics, Inc.
13755 SW 119th Ave
Miami, Florida 33186 U.S.A.
Phone: 305.477.8080
Fax: 305.477.9516
www.ExcaliburElectronics.com
Ship the unit carefully packed, preferably in the original carton, and send it
p r e p a i d, and adequately insured.
Include a letter, detailing the complaint and including your day t i m e
telephone number, inside the shipping
carton.
If your warranty has expired and you
want an estimated fee for service,
write to the above address, specifying
the model and the problem.
PLEASE DO NOT SEND
YOUR UNIT WITHOUT
RECEIVING AN ESTIMATE FOR
SERVICING. WE CANNOT
STORE YOUR UNIT!
15
Excalibur Electronics, Inc.
13755 SW 119th Ave
Miami, Florida 33186 U.S.A.
Phone: 305.477.8080
Fax: 305.477.9516
Play games live at:
www.ExcaliburElectronics.com
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